I can't deny this any more
by Rion
Summary: In Asuka's darkest hour, she realises that exisiting with another is what she wanted all along


_I can't deny this any more_

I hated him, I hated him with all my heart and soul, to me Shinji Ikari was the worst person in the world. And I couldn't stand him any longer. When the fifteenth angel attacked, it raped my mind, tore strips away from my soul and left me crippled and helpless. I remember crying out not for Rei or anyone else to save me, but secretly I hoped that Shinji would rise up in his mighty Eva and save me just like he did when I was in the volcano.

He never came. The bitch did.

And with a flick of her wrist the angel was gone. The angel which had invaded my mind was gone, and she killed it. I felt worthless, hurt and stupid, all the things I called called Shinji since my first meeting with him. Ironic isn't it, the instigator now the recipient.

Why didn't he save me?

Why didn't HE save me?

Of all the people in the world I could tolerate Shinji, of course he never knew that and it was working out fine until.....until now.

No, I didn't hate him, I hated myself for never letting him know that.

I had the perfect chance as well, I sat on an armored buffer watching the crews return my unit two, my reason for life and excellence being returned to it's underground cage. I was surrounded by mocking yellow tape that said "Contamination zone" as if I were some sort of deadly virus in a quranteen zone.Yet he came, after all my yelling to let me handle the angel alone and my screams to be left alone to die he chose to face me. That was the Shinji I wanted.

I pushed him away.

I left my defenses up so he couldn't see in, I screeched at him that he was pathetic and I didn't want to see him again while it was my greatest wish to be taken into his arms and comforted. He only stood there looking at the worthless creature before him, I couldn't blame him really, I never did anything nice for him and he probably thought coming near me would bring him more physical and emotional pain. But there could be no amount to his suffering which would be able to equal mine as I sat there hurting. I wanted him so badly then, yet my pride even though crippled forced me to remain where I was.

That night I cried like a little child, I cried for my pain, the pain I caused and even for the pain of others. I cried for my mother, my father, I cried for Misato and Kaji, I cried for Hikari and the stooges, I even cried for wondergirl the bitch....

and I cried for him.

I cried for Shinji the longest and hardest. I remembered all the unkind words and actions I directed at him, I treated him like a plaything, as if I could find a better one once my current once was broken. I realised that I didn't want this one broken, I wanted this one intact with me forever. But I knew in my mind it was too late for making amends, in the past Shinji had bounced back from any fits of depression I lead him to always willing to hear any small words of mine which would signal my approval of his existence. I felt a burning desire to whisper those words to him right now so he would know how I felt.

This time my pride had worn down since the events of this afternoon, yet I remained in my bed. I looked at the clock which reported that it was four in the morning.

"My god" I whispered. I had cried for almost six hours straight. I felt like crying more but the tears just wouldn't come any more, instead I let out soft whimpers into the night. Suddenly I felt another presance in the room, slowly I turned my head to see the outline of Shinji standing in the doorway. He took a few steps forward and walked into the moonlight, I could see the worried expression washed across his face.

"I....I'm sorry Asuka. I shouldn't have come" whispered Shinji as he began to back away.

My mind ordered me to watch him go and leave us in peace while my heart and soul screamed at me to have him stay. This was probably one of the most important decision of my life and I was hesitating. I knew I couldn't hesitate any longer as he was almost out the door.

"Please stay" I squeaked.

Although Shinji probably get the message he did stop because he did hear me say something. He turned around and faced me once more, my heart expressed it's approval of my actions as did my soul.

"Please stay with me" I whispered.

"Asuka......I....."

"I don't want to hurt you any more Shinji" I said as soothingly as I could.

This time the tears came as I cried once more. This time Shinji didn't run away, he came right to my bedside to look at me face to face. I felt weak crying in front of him, yet I still didn't want to push him away for it.

"Asuka...." he gently said while gently rubbing my hair. "It's alright now."

I looked up at him still sniffling. "No it isn't Shinji...I....I.." I couldn't bring myself to utter the words and I broke down again.

"Shhhhhh" he softly cooed. He wouldn't run from me this time, and I was thankful.

I raised my head again to look at him, this time I wouldn't fail. "I...I'm sorry for what I've done to you, forgive me if you can find it in your heart."

"There's nothing to forgive" he said. As I looked into his dark blue eyes I saw the sincerity within them. He meant every word he said. My heart was ready to explode at that moment, I wanted to kiss him.

But I cried instead.

"H....hate myself" I muttered.

"Don't say that. I don't hate you, I never have."

Tears flowed from my eyes again, this time the were the kind that were derived from sorrow, the tears I hated, but the ones from joy. A soft smile appeared on Shinji's face as I sat up, letting the sheets I was clutching to me fall away like the walls of emotional protection I had surrounded my feelings with.

Once again my Shinji came alive inside the boy I had scorned many a time. He embraced me lovingly, cradling me in his arms while I leaned on his chest looking him in the eyes. I had wished and dreamed for this day to come and finally I had it in my grasp. I didn't want to let go of it ever.

"I don't want to be alone anymore Shinji."

"You won't be Asuka."

"No...not with you here. I...need you Shinji." I finally said it, my soul finally relaxed as if it had been waiting my whole life to hear me say those words. The feeling of release was a pleasant one as I sunk further into his arms. Then he said the words I would have hardly ever expected from the boy.

"I need you too Asuka."

This time it was my heart's turn to soar, his five worded sentence had the same effect as if he had told me he loved me. Although I already suspected that was the case, I felt it in my soul for him as well and he could probably feel the same from me.

For the third time that night Shinji took the iniutive, he stroked my chin with his thumb and tilted my head up. I had no idea what was going to happen next but I enjoyed it all the same.

He kissed me.

Shinji kissed me with all his heart and soul, it was nothing like the time where I had coaxed into 'practicing' with me. However because of that he had some experience for the second time. He gently sucked on my mouth and then separated my lips and put his tongue in, the pleasure was immense as I returned the favor. As we got more involved I even began to moan into his mouth, my head was light and my vision blurred. After several minutes we broke away, saliva dripping from our mouths. I giggled and wiped the residue from Shinji's lips while he did the same for me.

However now I felt rather tired. Sleepless nights had been catching up with me as I looked at the boy I loved with heavy eyes.

"I..should go now" an embarrassed Shinji Ikari said.

But as he tried to stand I grabbed his left arm, I looked up at him with pleading eyes. "Stay with me...please" I whispered. Shinji needed no second calling as he sat back down on the bed as I latched onto him. "Don't leave me" I cried.

"I won't leave you Asuka" Shinji said as he comforted me. Gently he lay back on the bed, face up while I snuggled beside him with my head resting on his chest while he pulled the sheets over us.

With my right arm I turned his head towards mine and I reached up and began to kiss him once more. Finally I could stop playing this game, finally I could be happy with being equal to someone, someone who cared if I existed, someone who would never hurt or leave me.....

someone I loved.

Author's notes:

Strangely enough I'm not exactly sure why this fic saw the light of day especially at time that it did surface. Right at the moment WAFF is something I can't really stand, yet I guess when something nags at you long enough they must be said. It probably stems from the amount of fics where suddenly Asuka loves Shinji. As for all those who keep saying more Rei, yes there will be a sole Rei fic coming soon.

KoalaKiller: What about A Past Long Forgotten?

Rion: Oh yeah that too.

KoalaKiller: Oh it's 'that too' now is it?!

Rion (muttering): Crap here we go.

KoalaKiller: No more Fleet Command for a week.

Rion: NOOO GOD NOOOO!

Comments and criticisms welcome.

**Email:** rion@dingoblue.net.au

**Website:** http://www.geocities.com/ngeworx

Disclaimer:

Neon Genesis Evangelion is owned and copyrighted by Gainax, all characters used from that series as well as familiar plot links and scenarios. All names are (TM) and (C) by their respective owners.


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